First Dates part 3 - But Enough About Me, Tell Me About You

You don't want to waste a meeting by not telling your prospect about your organization and its programs and needs.  But that's not really why you're there.

Your biggest goal is to be alluring.  You're trying to provoke an emotional response, spark an intense connection.  You want your prospect to be completely smitten with you by the time you part ways...all the better to want to see you again, want to know more about your organization, want to help you change the world (or make great art or fight for justice or whatever you're working to do, in its most grandiose terms).

This is really really hard to wrap your head around unless you're a narcissist or one of those blessed people whose charm can't be turned off.

So now that I've said that, forget about it, unless it's useful to you.  Instead, think about the things that are going to help with that relationship in the long term: listening now (not just listening, but drawing out deeper conversations and stories and soaking in them) and remembering later.

First, learn to be a good listener.  Believe it or not, that's an actual skill that you can work on.  There are people who study listening for a living.  They know the difference between active listening, empathic listening, appreciative listening, informational listening...and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I always find it very odd to read some of these academic papers; it's a little like reading about breathing - something you do all the time without thinking a whole lot about it, and as soon as you see the diagrams and clinical explanations and case studies, that thing that you do (just plain old breathing) starts to feel weird.  You can't stop thinking about it. You notice every breath you take.  Does everyone have that whistle?  Are you breathing too shallow or too deep?

Helpful tip: don't try to teach yourself active listening skills by googling it the night before you meet with someone you really want to impress.  You'll wind up overthinking your own conversational technique and blow the meeting.  These are skills you have to develop and refine over time as part of general professional development.

Straight up/standard active listening technique is a little odd and formulaic.  You do a lot of spitting back whatever the other person has said, and if you haven't figured out how to turn this from a useful counseling technique into something that feels and flows naturally, the person you're talking to is either going to think you're a condescending schmuck, or not quite all there.  (Either way, it behooves you to practice in a safe space until you've gotten the hang of it.)

But here's why you want to do it: People love it when they feel someone is listening to them and is actually interested in what they have to say.  Done properly, active listening gets folks to open up, builds trust, reduces the judgment and emotions you're bringing into the conversation, and vastly improves your memory for what's being communicated.  And notice I said communicated - you'll have better memories not only of what was said, but for body language and tone and other non-verbal cues.

Second, make a mental checklist of the things you'd like to find out during the meeting.   Like most things in life, if you know what you're looking for, you're more likely to find it.

Here's a good general list of First Date Big Questions.  Use this as a starting point, not as gospel.  For your list, remember to keep it short.  You can only keep 4 - 7 things actively in your mind at a time, so that's a really good size limit for your mental checklist.  (Check out the research on working memory if you're curious why I say this, and yes, working memory capacity varies with individuals.  Still.  Keep your list  short and manageable.)

1. What is this person's relationship to/interest in the mission of my organization?
2. How does this person perceive my organization (what does s/he know about us and our work, does s/he have an accurate picture or, if not, is it worth trying to correct that)?
3. What drives this person?
4. How does this person like to be perceived by others?
5. What do they consider their biggest triumphs and/or fears?

You'll note - none of these are questions that can simply be asked outright.  You need to find the answers cumulatively over the course of your entire conversation.  But anything that adds to these answers, you want to grab and put in your pocket for later.  Dig a little deeper.  

Not specific enough to be added to this list, but things that are always useful to bring out in that first meeting: 

1. Personal anecdotes.  About anything.  Funny stories from their childhood, tales of the workplace, with bonus points for good stories about why your organization's programs or missions have a personal meaning for them. (You're going to be good at active listening at some point, which means you'll be trained to appreciate these stories and file them away without judgment for later, when you can analyze them for insights.)
2. Family information. (How old are their kids, what are their names, what does their spouse do, how close are they to their crazy aunt Lulu...it's all useful to learn and file away.  You'll be a development rock star when you send a nice little handwritten note for a kid's kindergarten graduation, and crazy aunt Lulu may inspire your donor to name something in her honor...you never know when family information will pay off...so pay attention when it comes up!)
3. What book(s) are they reading right now? (The book doesn't so much matter, but the way they talk about it is useful information.  Are they a secret (or not so secret) nerd? A romantic? So exhausted and drained at the end of a day that all they can handle is something with a quick plot and no hidden depth?  And it's a good question to slip in if you get stuck for conversation.  Likewise movies.  And if you need to, you can mention a book you're reading to make it a more fluid question...get creative, but get listening.)

Immediately after the meeting: take notes.  Active listening will help improve your memory, but there's nothing quite like putting it in writing.  And don't wait.  You don't want to risk sending a card addressed to Aidan to your prospect's daughter Adrianne, n'est pas?  And put down everything you can think of - these are notes for you...if something becomes irrelevant, who cares?  Best to sort through a lot of garbage later, if it increases the chances you've got some golden nuggets in your collection of notes.